Melancholy...

(i need to let it out, so bear with me ayte..)

years ago, loneliness, sadness and anger was my so-called friends. in them i felt like i found my true self. honestly, i don't have a fancy childhood life or something out of fairy tale. its was ordinary, with a large dose of reality in hand. i don't know who to be blame, but life was never been fair. how easy it was for some human, to make a decision that affect other people's lives in a long run?to search for their happiness, they leave miseries for people they left behind. it hurts so much that it killed my heart slowly in the process and that's when the walls just built up, the only way i could think of to gain back my inner strength, my self-confidence.i need to protect myself from falling over and over again. if you see me everyday, you won't see the melancholy in my eyes. i have well prepared on keeping them on bay especially when i was surrounded with people i care about, i can't let them be dragged into my sadness. it's my business to make them happy, listen to their outcries, be that shoulder to cry on. maybe for some, it is a burden to do so but for me it's one of the many ways that i can heal myself. strange eh, but it is so true...

"You'll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end."
- Anonymous

Utterly clueless...

here i am, sitting here with a lot of thoughts in my mind but i never really can express it into words. somehow, i need to feel inspired again. yesterday, i went to a bookstore and came across this book thats for me quite interesting to read. it's called 'The Trial Of True Love' by William Nicholson. just started to read it and i kinda like fall in love with it already, haha.. well, i leave my post today with a poem by Emily Dickinson that i got from the book;

I've got an arrow here;
Loving the hand that sent it
I the dart revere

Fell, they will say, in 'skirmish'!
Vanquished, my soul will know,
By but a simple arrow
Sped by an archer's bow

it came knocking on the door, and i just can't help myself....

Of everything and nothing...

"The question of love is one that cannot be evaded. Whether or not you claim to be interested in it, from the moment you are alive you are bound to be concerned with love, because love is not just something that happens to you: It is a certain special way of being alive. Love is, in fact, an intensification of life, a completeness, a fullness, a wholeness of life."
- Thomas Merton

just when you thought u know everything that needs to know.....

Road Trip..

some of the ASC's staff (including myself) was in KB yesterday making a presentation for a handful of teachers at Jefri Bolkiah vocational school to promote our products. special thanks to all of them for the warm welcome and great response. well, i think we're going to make another road trip again in the near future since this one has been a great success, can't wait for that one :)

Moments captivated...

when two lonely hearts gazed at each other in a different way than its normal self, it is often felt intense. it can be suffocating, especially when there's so many things left unsaid and the only way to communicate is through their eyes. words are priceless. even when all the moments that captured can't promise something beyond the realistic judgement but somehow, it does affect the hearts. one can't predict how our hearts reasoned itself, it's only the heart that can reason it...

Back at one..?

"Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale."
- anonymous

life do works in a mysterious ways. i thought i'm over this, moving on. i made myself believe that you're not there in my mind, but i guess i was wrong. i try to pretend all this didn't happen but somehow it just did.now i know, this heart is not strong enough to erase you completely.but i do hope all that i felt now is just temporary, maybe by tomorrow it'll be over. but what if it didn't?

if only it came sooner....

A million thank you's..

My special thanks to everyone who came for my Raya open house yesterday. thanks to my relatives, colleagues and some of my good friends who turned up, i really do appreciate it and also my sincerest apologies to anyone that i forgot to invite yesterday. Insya-Allah next year, i won't miss out on anyone :)

Jump the ocean....

last few days, i had a long conversation with one of my friend about love. how some people are willing to take the risk of being with the person they love most and just defy everything that stands in between. i mean it's like, just jump to the ocean, even when some of them doesn't really know how to swim. maybe only a few of them will survive and live happily ever after but what about the rest who failed? how's it gonna be?

but in a way, i do salute them though. i mean, what's the used of spending our lifetime being afraid of this thing call love if thats one thing that keeps us going and made us feel alive? i know, love hurts sometimes but in a way it is also a beautiful thing to treasure. it got this undescribable feeling that sometimes very hard to put into words. we felt butterflies, our heart beats faster than a marathon runner and seeing the look in their eyes that can show how much there are in love, magic...

sometimes, when seeing the magic works, i do wish i could be in that stage again. i still love the feeling of being in the 'love zone'. we care about all those little things that we do together because all those things is the one that really matter. hmm..i don't know why i have to talk about love so sudden, maybe its just the spur of the moment i guess or maybe, i'm also trying to take that large step. putting my right foot inside the door....

i need to know if this is real....

Happy Bday Bro..

a special birthday greeting for my brother, Suryadi aka Boy which falls today 19th October. may you be blessed in everything you do and hope all your wishes will come true. study smart and make us proud ya ;)

Blurry..

i felt blur and my mind just went blank since this morning,don't know why. i just stared at all the paperworks but not being able to finish the job. keep reminding myself that i have to do everything before i take my leave starting tomorrow. i think i just have to bring all my work back home and just hope i can do at least half or better yet all of it. hmm..maybe it's just one of those days...

yet, it still remains love...

Quote of the day :

"Once you love, you cannot take it back, cannot undo it. What you felt may have changed, shifted slightly, yet still remains love."

you, and everything about you...

the ties that bind..

images taken yesterday, while attending raya gathering at one of my aunt's place. pictures do worth a thousand words eh? nothing can describe how much i love this people..

Choices we make...

we make choices everyday. what clothes to wear, which place to go for lunch etc..it never ends. but those are just a simple matters to deal with. what about choices that we had to make that could effect our life especially when it comes to something personal, like family matters or work or perhaps about matters of the heart? how do we deal with it?

i posted a quote last few days, about the ironies in life which is for me is so true. sometimes we met a right person at a wrong time or we met a wrong person in a right time. or maybe the right person is in front of us but we just refused to acknowledge the facts or maybe..ego gets in a way. well thats us, humans. how well we planned our lives or who we want to be with but at the end of the day, fate will intervene and change it. this is, for me when choices had to be made. but we have to dig deep into ourselves, what really that we want or is it going to make us happy. or maybe we just take the chance and let it takes it course, just go with the flow. either which way we want it to be, the choice is in our hands. the ball is in our court...

so many mistakes made, in so little time.....

It's Aidil Fitri..

we are going to celebrate Hari Raya tomorrow. yeah! can't wait coz we're going to have 3 days holiday, at least this is the time for me to relax and get together with my family and friends. just feel sad in a way, that we're going to leave Ramadhan month and after this some things will be back to normal, a lot of special memories this month:) Insya-Allah later, i'll be taking half day off from work and might be doing my last minute shopping after that, can't imagine what the capital and other shopping districts look like, i know there'll be traffic jams everywhere in Brunei.

Oh ya, I would like to wish everyone, my family, friends and other readers ;
SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDIL FITRI, MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN

Spin the wheel...

Playing Uno spin at pye's crib last night, a bit of a stress reliever :)

Don't let it end..

"The greatest ironies of life: having the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, and finding out that you love someone after that person walks out of your sight ...."
~ Anonymous~

how i wish things will never end....

It would never made any sense....

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness"
Friedrich Nietzsches

sometimes i wonder, if love would ever made any sense. at one point we said its over but a minute after that some of us going back to where they started, at square one. would there be any logical explaination for all this..? hmm..give me a minute to think...

Just so u know..

it's been 3 days since i post anything here. how fast time flies, felt like it was yesterday. nothing really interesting happen for the last 3 days. only on Thursday i managed to get a day off just to bring my mum and sister shopping for raya. i told them it's the only day i have because next week i'll be very busy with my work, as everyone know it's the raya season and of course as the usual, all the banks will be very busy. even i haven't bought anything for myself, lucky it's the weekend so at least i can go shopping tomorrow, whee...

I shouldn't love you but I want to, I just can't turn away....

moody...

i'm not in my usual good mood. don't know why, maybe because of the work pressure, my cycle or whatever it is involved. i hate it when i am in this kind of situation, i really do. i just need to be with myself now, even just for a while until it's over and i hope i'll be ok tomorrow. i don't want to end up hurting other people's feelings who doesn't know how temperamental i am right know. argh!!

went for sungkai with my best friend today, it's been a month since we met each other. she already book me early in the morning cos she knew if it was in a last minute, i'm not sure i can come. it's not that i don't want to but i might already tie up with something else. i do miss her though, we haven't had our usual hours long conversation about our lives like we used to. i can't blame her for being mad at me for not spending time with her like before cos it's hard for me to juggle a lot of things now. hmm....don't want to talk about it for now, it made me feel tired even more. i better get some sleep now..

Insya-Allah, tomorrow's gonna be a better day.....

October, 1st

today is 1st October, a new day and a new month. how fast time flies, leaving us still sitting here with some questions left unanswered and some things just left unspoken.

i hate to admit, but i do miss your face..